Richard Alpert

Richard Alpert. Bringing sexy back.

It points north, John.

-Richard, on a subject that probably shouldn't be discussed in mixed company.

Richard Alpert, also known as Ricardus, Ricardo, or Dick, is the immortal pirate leader of the Others, except when he isn't. Richard is known for being immortal, sarcastic, and the lover of Vincent.^{[Citation needed]}

Early history

Born to a poor family in Mexico City, Spain in the 1800s, Richard always dreamed of being a pirate. His penchant for stealing the women of other men in town earned him the insulting nickname "Dick," which eventually became a common nickname for people named Richard. Richard eventually married a woman named Isabella, but grew tired of the married life and divorced her to go after some hot young 1800s wenches. Isabella chased after him, demanding child support. Richard was eventually arrested, but escaped and found a genuine pirate ship on which to set sail - the Black Rock, a ship which was suspiciously filled with African American "pirate" captives.

Richard joined the crew and the ship set sail. Richard's pirate attitude and roleplaying irritated the rest of the crew, leading the captain to chain Richard upside down, naked, from the ceiling, in the ship's brig. Believing this was part of the pirate lifestyle, Richard remained here until the Black Rock ran aground on the island, which was thrown inland by a tidal wave created by Jacob after a bad acid trip. Because Richard was chained naked in the brig, he was not wearing the ship's standard red uniform, and thus did not die in the impact.

Before the crash

1867

Once on the island, the still-nude Richard watched as the mysterious smoke monster killed everyone on the ship except Richard, whose manliness prevented him from dying. The Monster then impersonated Isabella, prompting Richard to scream in terror that she had come looking for more child support. Richard freed himself and ran through the jungle naked, finding the ship's captain, the Man in Black. The Man in Black revealed he was actually the Monster, and had led Richard to the island because he knew Richard's manliness could kill Jacob, the Man in Black's archenemy. Richard set out to the statue of Taweret, which had been destroyed by Richard's bare pectorals as the ship careened through the air, but Jacob blindsided him and beat him up with cheap shots. After realizing Richard's potential, Jacob decided to use him as his right hand man. According to Richard, Jacob then "touched" him, and provided him with the gift of immortality, presumably in exchange for Richard not reporting Jacob's lewd behavior to authorities. Richard and Jacob then stayed on the island, alone, together, for the next hundred years. Alone. While Richard remained naked. And alone. With Jacob.

1954

A major change in Richard's life occured when he met John Locke, Daniel Faraday, Jin-Soo Kwon, and Charlotte Lewis in 1954. Shortly before this, the US Army arrived on the island. Richard and the Others, other people who Jacob brought to be his other inhabitants of his other villages and communities on the island (hence why they were called the Others), killed the Army and Richard stole their clothes. Upon meeting Locke, Daniel, Dogen, and Charlotte, Richard believed them to be Army spies. Daniel convinced Richard that his hydrogen bomb was leaking. Believing this to be a sexual euphemism, Richard allowed Daniel to go "fix" the "problem," unaware there was a legitimate hydrogen bomb on the island. Locke informed Richard he was destined to be the leader of the Others, something Richard himself allegedly told Locke. Richard, who had seen season 5 and was thus aware this man had been sent by the Man in Black, did not fall for the ruse. Locke, Daniel, Jae Lee, and Charlotte then vanished into thin air.

1970s

The DHARMA Initiative arrived on the island in the 1970s, and Jacob, while eating a calzone, instructed Richard to kill them. Richard instructed Eloise to instruct Widmore to instruct the Others to kill the DHARMA scientists, but somewhere along this chain of command an order was misinterpreted (because Jacob was talking with food in his mouth) and DHARMA was allowed to build an entire civilization on the island as long as they did not violate a "truce" Richard allegedly agreed to, likely while drunk. Richard later encountered the time traveling characters again, and learned they had infiltrated DHARMA. Daniel Faraday entered the camp and was shot dead by his own mother, Eloise. Richard, concerned Widmore would discover he had inserted his smoke monster into Eloise's sonar fence while Widmore's back had been turned, agreed to a highly convuluted and complicated plan explained to him by a mentally challenged DHARMA member in hopes Eloise would be killed. When this failed, Richard simply pistol-whipped Eloise, causing their son Daniel to be born with "Rain Man Disease."

1992

In 1992, Jacob finished his calzone and reminded Richard of his earlier order to kill DHARMA. Richard and his new friend Benjamin Linus did this promptly and everyone in the DHARMA compound died. What Ben didn't know was that Richard had slipped his stick of dynamite into Ben's wife Annie's Black Rock and got her pregnant. Thinking quickly, Richard "forgot" to tell Annie to wear her gas mask, and she died in the Purge. Ben, thinking the island killed her, set out to fix the pregnancy issue.

2000s

After several failed attempts, Ben found a fertility scientist who was both qualified to fix the problem and attractive enough to fit in on a broadcast TV series. This woman was Juliet Burke. Richard, naturally, was unable to stop himself from moving her island several times in one night, which made Juliet agree to come and fix the problem. Unfortunately, Juliet, who was not actually a doctor but had plagiarized her degree using Wikipedia and Photoshop, was unable to fix the issue. Ben proceeded to cry for the next three years until the hydrogen bomb radiation gave him cancer. The next day, Desmond failed to push the button in the hatch, and Oceanic Flight 815 crashed on the island.

After the crash

Season 3

After remaining in the Barracks playing Risk with Juliet for two seasons, Richard made his chronological debut when Ben asked him to bring "the man from Tennessee." Or Tallahassee. One of the two. Later, Richard visited with Locke as the two sat on a hill overlooking the Others' camp. Richard gave Locke a copy of Sawyer's high school transcript, where Locke saw, to his horror, that he and Sawyer were half-brothers with the same father. Enraged, Locke had Sawyer kill their father. Locke then demanded that Ben bring him to Jacob. Richard sent Ben to Jacob's summer cabin, where they encountered some fancy CGI and no Jacob. Annoyed at this cop-out, Ben shot Locke and left him for dead. Ben then instructed Richard to take the Others to the Jedi Temple.

Season 4

Upon arriving at the Jedi Temple, Miles, the Temple Master, refused to let Richard in because he had recently signed a contract with CBS. Depressed, Richard left the island and joined the cast of Cane. He then encountered two mysterious men, "Camon Cindelof" and "Darlton Luse," who insisted that Richard had "TO GO BAAAAAAAACK!" Richard, afraid of these screaming men, went back to the island, just in time for the season finale, "There's No Place Like Vegas." Upon arriving, he encountered a new character, Keamy, having a wrestling match with Sayid. Thinking Keamy was trying to kill Sayid, Richard shot him repeatedly. He then joined up with Locke and the rest of the Others, but their reunion was short lived, as Ben used the frozen donkey wheel to move the island.

Season 5

For the next three years, Richard drank himself into oblivion, thinking that the island's time flashes were a bad drug trip. One morning, he ran into someone who claimed to be John Locke, yet was clearly someone else wearing a white paper mask with Locke's face on it. Because Richard was hung over, he forgot to spycheck, and thus this intruder was allowed to manipulate Richard into telling the time traveling Locke that he was "the chosen one" who would bring balance to the Force. The imposter then went to see Jacob at his four toed foot statue, bringing Ben with him. After a tense conversation, Jacob tripped and fell on Ben's knife and died. Outside, Richard met Illlana, who showed him John Locke's dead corpse.

Season 6

After about three hours, Richard finally realized the dead body meant the man posing as Locke could not really be Locke. ILlana's men entered the statue and the imposter revealed his smoke monster form, killing the men. He then removed his paper Locke mask, revealing his true identity: the Black Rock's old captain, Vincent "Men in Black" Aaronson. Richard allowed himself to be beaten to a pulp so he would look like an underdog to his new crush Llama, and was then taken into the woods by the Man in Black. As the Man in Black prepared to kill him, an extra who snuck onto the set reminded him that Richard was now a main character and couldn't be killed before he had a centric episode. Richard was allowed to go free, eventually taking Jack and Hurley to the Black Rock after discovering that the Temple, its leader Jin, and all the Others there were dead. Richard tried to blow himself up with dynamite, but because it was just a prop, it failed to go off. Jack then proposed going back to the beach, recalling Jae Lee's words that going to the beach and into the jungle are the only two plans anyone ever has.

At the beach, Richard was asked what they should do next, as Ilana was told to do by Jacob. Richard laughed hysterically and then ran into the jungle, because he saw Hurley conversing with his ex-wife Isabella and assumed she was here for child support. After a lengthy trek, Richard dug up Yemi's cross, which Eko had buried, and prepared to run off with it, but Isabella found him and demanded child support. Richard sent her into the jungle, claiming to have money buried at a certain location. Instead, she found the Monster, who killed her.

Having his backstory explained, Richard did nothing else. He eventually escaped with Frank on the Ajira plane.

This synopsis is updated as of episode 6x18, "The End, Bitches! (Part 17)"